Friday, September 13, 2013

To the guilt, sisterhood and sunshine

So it's been a while since I wrote. My big computer died. Well, to quote one of my favorite movies "mostly dead". My sweet hubby said that it has a little life in it, hopefully enough to move the files. Using the hubby's law school laptop is just not the same. It doesn't have all the software I like to use and the screen isn't as big. One of the software I like to use when blogging is live writer, and it's not on the laptop. (insert a big sad face).

 But I have some stuff rattling around in my head, and I felt the need to put it on paper/screen. To get it out of my head and clear out some space for other things. So, hopefully this post will look OK and not get lost in cyber space. So, what has been rattling around in my little super Grover mommy mind? I'm so glad you asked. I've been thinking about several things lately. With the start of a new school year I thought about all the changes and challenges that it would bring. How important friends are to my well being. And today, I'm grateful for the sunshine.

School started three weeks ago. This year we contemplated the idea of homeschooling Riley. This went on right to the day school started. I still don't know if we did the right thing, but we sent him to school. I needed him to go. Which makes me feel a little sad. He is a really good kid, but with him home everything is more. And sometimes mommies need things for a few hours of things being less. Now just letting go of the guilt and everyone can be happier.

I have been wondering why, as moms or really as women, we like to hold on to the guilt. We sometimes wear it like a badge of dishonor. "I'm not good enough, I'm not working hard enough, my kids aren't doing enough" I think a little guilt is a good thing, it keeps us motivated, to know that there is still room to improve. But really, why do I hold on to it when the issue is dead and over. And not just "mostly dead" but all dead.

So it is time to let go of the guilt that I didn't do enough to prepare my oldest for kindergarten, that he has a learning and behavior challenges that are not caused by me. That it is just how he is and that we have to learn to work with it, instead of against it. That even though he didn't go to any kind of preschool, it really doesn't effect him now. For heaven sake, he's in 3rd grade now! LET IT GO! I'm going to work on embracing this challenge, 'cause it isn't going anywhere.

It's been really interesting to have three in school this year. I know that as time goes on, life is going to just get busier. I can't even begin to imagine what life will be like when my sweet little Ephram starts school and I have kids in high school, middle school and elementary school! Right now I have 2 in elementary and one in preschool and it's crazy. My sweet Emmaline has afternoon kindergarten and little Beka Sue has morning preschool. So, on Tuesdays and Thursdays we spend a crazy amount of time in the van. At first I was disappointed that Em had afternoon school, but it really has been a wonderful thing. I get to have an hour or so of time just with her (little E goes down for a nap). And in the afternoons I have time for just Beka. So, I guess my Heavenly Father really did know what we needed. It has done so much to ease the guilt of not spending the one on one time they all seem to crave.

portrait by Erin Hatch Photography

Yesterday, one of my dearest mommy friends moved away. Really, she was one of my only mommy friends. And I miss her already. It made me think about how much we need that sisterhood. I will forever be grateful that my sweet Erin made me be her friend. She would call me and invite me to things. She would come over and visit. We had many things in common: our kids are close to the same ages, we both had an oldest child that challenged us everyday, and we both loved photography and music. It was wonderful to have someone to call when I just couldn't have my kids with me and she was happy to have them come over play. To have that friend that when things were just hard, she always helped me fill my cup. When wonderful things happened I could celebrate with. And even though she is moving so far away, I know that though the power of technology, we will stay in touch. It just wont be the same

Isn't technology wonderful! Today a dear friend from high school wrote about her oldest son's birthday. He just turned 18, and I was there the day he was born. Without technology and Facebook we wouldn't have stayed in touch. She was a big part of my last year of high school, and I loved her like a sister. I loved her through her hard choices and did my best to make sure in my small way that she was taken care of. She gave me friendship and advice and acceptance.  I love when life comes back around and we see our sweet sisters again.

Sisterhood is so important. That friendship is so vital to each of us I think. It gives us the power to be the Super Grover Mommies we want to be. I know that for my well being I need to get out of myself and start looking for other sisters around me that the Lord has placed in my life. I need to get out of my head. For me this is hard. Frequently, I have an argument in my head that goes something like this:

See that pretty girl over there? 
I bet she would be a fun friend. 
Yeah, you are probably right. But she wouldn't really want to be friends with me, I'm not cool enough. 
What are you talking about? What are you, still in middle school? You aren't 13 anymore!
I know that, but why would she want to be my friend...
Because your are kind, sweet, talented, and you are a GREAT friend!
But, she probably already has plenty of friends, she doesn't need me...
Well, that might be true. Why don't you go talk to her and find out.
Oh, I can't do that!
Why not?
I wouldn't know what to say! I would sound dumb or fake or something. 
Ummm, huh? How would you feel if some one came up and talked to you?
I would be happy.
Yeah, so what makes you think she wouldn't be happy that you came up to talk to her.
Oh, well. She just left. I guess I missed my chance.
You chickened out! How do you know that Heavenly Father didn't need you to be her friend right now. You should have found a way to be her friend... you will see her again. You really need to let go of your selfish self doubt  I bet she needs friends as badly as you do. I bet she is lonely just like you, I bet that she has lots of self doubt just like you, and I bet she could have helped you in ways you can't imagine yet. Really, why did you let this opportunity go? Why did you spend your time arguing with me when you could have gone over and talked to her! That was foolish... please try next time.
I will. I will try.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that has these kind of arguments in your head! So, now is the time, right. Get out my head and let go of being so full of self doubt! I want to be more like my dear friend Erin. She bravely seeks out friends. 

Let's be brave Super Grover Mommies! We need one other! Let's stop thinking that everyone is judging us, they are just like you! Overwhelmed, tired, and maybe a little lonely. I don't think it matters what stage of life you are in, you need sisters in your life. I have a dear sister, she lives far away and I miss seeing her. But I know she is there for me even if it's just in spirit. Sometimes, just talking with her is just what I need to feel up lifted. Then I can enjoy this journey of motherhood:
portrait by Erin Hatch Photography

Oh, and my comment about the sunshine... we have been under the wonderful monsoon flow for almost a month. It has rained and been cloudy. We live in the desert... I never know how much I missed the sun. Thank you sun for drying things out a little, and making me smile with the blue sky this morning.