So, the weekend was kind of weird. It was the end of the month, which is still a hard time. My sweet hubby works really late (read: he got home from work on Friday at 10:00 AM Saturday) and that’s tough for me. It means he’s not really available even when he’s home. I am working hard on myself to not turn this into a trigger of yelling at my kids. Over all this went pretty well… And hubby was able to come swimming with us. That was really fun, and with grandma the adult to kid ratio was great. But, I was feeling a little weird. I had a little head ache, which turned into a bigger head ache. So big I was physically ill. It was a nasty migraine. The pain was so intense, similar to labor (which is really saying something, I’ve had 2 kids completely natural). I haven’t had one that bad in a long, long time. Why? Because I normally know when the headache is coming. I’ve learned the warning signs, and take steps to stop the pain. I didn’t do that on Saturday. Didn’t take care of Super Grover Mommy, and I truly paid the price for not listening to my body.
We got home from swimming and I went up to my room. There for the next couple of hours I dealt with the pain, nausea, dizziness, and cramping. I prayed a lot. I was finally able to keep so painkillers down, and at about 10:00 PM the pain finally eased. Thankfully! I was still feeling dizzy and weird, but at least the pain was less. I’ve been paying the price for not taking care of me all week. I’m still having what I’d like to call aftershocks. I still feel a little dizzy and weak. I spent most of Monday resting.
This whole episode got me thinking, when I could think straight. Why do we often put ourselves last? Why did it take such a bad migraine to make me slow down a little and take care of me? And why do I feel guilty about it? Hmm… guilty for taking it easy the last couple of days, for not doing as much, for not really getting ready for summer break… It’s silly! In Ecclesiastes 3:1 it says: To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose… It’s all in the Lord’s time, and I need not “walk faster than I have strength to go”
The other interesting thing that happened this weekend was getting invited to share what I’ve been sharing on my blog with some of the ladies at church. It was neat to be asked. I was surprised, and it was nice to know that what I’m writing isn’t just getting totally lost in cyber space. It was also nice to look back on some of the things that I have been able to experience since taking the change to heart. I hope what I said made sense and helped.
I have joined Orange Rhino in a 30 days challenge. I love that it’s small steps. This is how we can change! One thing at a time. Today’s action was to focus on my physical feelings when the angry mad “I’m going to hurt someone” feelings come. I know I’m about to blow when: I start to clench my teeth, my head feels like it’s about to blow, and my heart starts to race. It’s about understanding the warning signs and be able to do something to change it. Just like my migraine if I ignore the warning of the rage I will pay a harsh price.
Yesterday when Riley got off the bus, he was in tears. He was afraid… of me. I had made him lunch that morning. He forgot about his lunch and ordered hot lunch. He was terrified he would be in trouble. It’s the last full day of school, and I wasn’t mad. I thought it was kind of funny. But I’ve been so unreasonable that he was afraid of a blow up. Sigh. Paying the price for my bad behavior.
A thing I am learning to do is let go. Let go of my expectations, let go of my guilt, let go of my disappoint. It’s an everyday task, and it really doesn’t come naturally at all! It’s all about the baby steps. Learning that I can’t do it all right this second!
I read something in a book:
This home is a safe home
People are safe
Feelings are safe
The Holy Ghost is safe.
I’ve tried to make this a theme in our home. This is where they can be safe. I know I am such a work in progress! But, I can chose to send myself out of the room or Riley or Emma before I blow my top. I can chose to take care of my body so I can take care of those who need me. I can chose because that is what my loving Heavenly Father sent me to the life to learn to do.
Being a Super Grover Mommy is hard sometimes, but so rewarding. I can change my world, one simple small step at a time!